Two days ago I was sitting in another meditation, I meditate a lot, and not because I am ascended. I had just finished a very powerful vocal training session, more of a resurrection, with this gorgeous sister I met here in Mazunte. She channels direct energy from deep down and is guiding me toward opening myself to music, songs, expression of my gorgeous, Goddess given voice.
As I was sitting and watching the Sun fade into the Ocean, saying goodbye to yet another day (side note- every day at the sunset the Sun gets a standing ovation-it’s amazing) a little voice began to come through. It is a voice I am very familiar with. It sizzles with energy and excitement and ideas and I feel a swelling of life in my belly. I get dizzy, adrenaline, arousal, and then…
And then…the next voice “yeah well, not now, you’re meditating, it’s not really for you to engage with, and you know what will happen to you, besides you‘re healing, focus on your healing, you know how sick you are”. I then watched how this voice takes me straight out of my heart, into full dissociation and deep sadness, the pregnancy of the moment deflating, and I am stagnant again.
I have lived under the “it’s too late and one day when” wound for most of my life. As I write this, it [almost] no longer has a hold on me because I have seen how intricately it is tied into old lies that keep me sick. My healing matters most. I have chosen daily radical acts of feeling every sensation with piercing curiosity so I can know their root and make a difference choice- thereby deeply healing and repattering trauma so new life can take shape in my DNA.
As the blaze of the day bowed out for the blessed night, I decided I was going to move towards the swelling and let it expand through me. Super scary because “I am not a songwriter, a singer”. I realized that the meditation itself, in that moment, was an act of procrastination because at some point I just have to do the thing rather than sit and contemplate the thing. Even really good things can become a crutch, a bypass. I have to integrate the wisdom, by way of action, of every meditation and ceremony and prayer and initiation into my life. (I teach this for Goddess sake). That is the only way the divine truly comes alive. It is a partnership- listening, receiving, responding, loving action= healing.
This morning I woke up in a LOT of fear and old pain in my heart. I sat down to pray and be with what was moving. I asked the Grandmothers for help as I am moving through a very old wound around my voice and being seen. As my mind spiraled in all directions clamoring for life, trying to fix what isn’t broken and seek solutions, grasping at old stories for old emotions- that used to be comfortable because it was what I knew- I heard a voice sneak through, “Sing that song. Share that. Start there.”
So this song came through. It isn’t the beautiful epoch of life I long to pour out of my heart, but it’s a really fun medicine song about the humor of the moment I found myself in, the journey itself and the brave act of choosing love no matter where I stand- even if it is in a stagnant state of fear and contraction- waiting for a time when- that will never come.
I chose to lay down the fight and try something new and record this for you. I am post yoga and sweaty and haven’t brushed my teeth yet this morning- but the song wanted to be born now- raw- in the moment. After I sang, everything that was gnawing at me for the last 12 hours was alchemized into peace, a new pattern, healing.
May this moment of my journey inspire your own pregnant swelling into form, one word, one note, one brushstroke at a time. Sing along and thanks for sharing with others!
Oh, and wish me luck with the epoch- this wound is an onion.
PS. I need a good drum.